A Bag of Fears

When I was younger and angsty-er, I kept a daily diary which was filled, page upon page, with my worries and fears. I would write huge lists of my worries. I am a worrier. I thought I had grown out of it with the passage of time and the maturing of my soul, and I guess I mostly have, only this whole Wedding shebang seems to have dredged up all my old youthful tendancies for worrying about everything.

I found through writing my diary that putting my fears on paper helps; once they are written down the worries are no longer in my head, they are encased in words and in a physical form which means I can shut them away, close the book, and sleep at night. So, in the interests of my sanity, here goes (please be aware that I am aware that these are mostly ridiculous and unfounded, but.. welcome to my brain):
- I worry that Rich regrets asking me to marry him
- I worry that our small wedding is an indicator that we don't actually have that many friends or people that care about us
- I worry that I don't have enough close friends and that this is because I am not very good at making friends
- I worry that the majority of my close friends are from school which means I failed at university by not making another big set of friends. I worry the school friends will judge me for not having more university friends.
- I worry that our wedding will be boring, and that people will go home early
- I worry that people don't really like me that much and would rather not come at all
- I worry that we will invite people and they will wonder why they are invited, because they did not think we are as good friends as I seem to think we are.
- I worry that people will judge our choices and thus us, negatively
- I worry that I will be an imposter in a big fancy dress at our low-key casual event and I will look horribly out of place
- I worry that I am so keen on having a low-key event because then people will have lower expectations and will not be as disappointed as they will inevitably be with the day, not because it is what I want
- I worry that Rich is not enjoying planning this with me
- I worry that my desire for things to be done to my standards will exclude people from helping or offering to help me with things for the wedding
- I worry that I will miss a great opportunity for having a community-event through my own snobbery
- I worry that by worrying so much, I am not able to sit back and enjoy our limited engagement time
- I worry that I will not learn how to enjoy it at all and I will miss it entirely

Things I am not worried about:
- Marrying Rich, and being his wife.
- Having this wedding with our friends and family.

I guess it's a start.